"Some women choose to follow a man and some others their dreams.In case that you wonder which way to follow,remember that your career won’t wake up one morning to say that he doesn’t love you."
~ Stefani Germonotta otherwise known as Lady Gaga
I use to think this quote was bullshit. But lately I’ve been through a few ordeals that have made me start to reevaluate my life and where my priorities lie. Time after time again I exhaust all effort to making a relationship work. And it’s not like I really do much sometimes but sit and worry about whether or not it’s going to end. It’s time I take a stand for the betterment of my heart, my soul and my future. I have lost sight of what’s important. I want to be able to do something and do it amazingly well. Of course I want to be able to find a relationship with someone that will be fulfilling to me, but with as hurt as I am now, and as much as I’ve neglected my studies, I absolutely need to focus. And what do I need to focus on? Me.
It’s time for me to be selfish. It’s time for me to think about my own needs and wants. It’s time for me to mend my heart and live for myself. Me me me me me. What do I want? And when I can’t get exactly what I want, how do I cope? These are things I need to learn. And if I can’t learn them first, I won’t be able to be with anyone.
I just reblogged a lot of crap. But I had fun. So nya.
Kind of not sure what to expect tonight. Kind of scared. Kind of excited. Kind of full of all sorts of fun emotions that don’t have much to do with going out and partying. I feel strong…yet broken. Like anything that comes my way, I can take it on full force.
When I started college in the spring semester of 2006, I was on fire. My first semester I took a psychology class, a conducting class, and concert chorale just so I could get my feet wet. I wrote a senior level essay (that my psychology professor probably still has), did extremely well in my English, sang in the chorus, wrote tons of (good) creative literature for Dr. Francisco (who I believe was recently named professor of the year at Pellissippi and inducted into the East Tennessee writers hall of fame), and proved against all odds that I could bounce back against the depression I went through in high school and redeem myself from falling behind.
Flash forward to 2011.
I was kicked out of my intro to theater class for having too many absences despite how well I did in there. I struggled in geology, of all things, and still didn’t pass. I didn’t think philosophy of film was worth it so I dropped it. I got put on financial aid probation and had to appeal it. I tell myself I’ll get it done in summer school. I can remember my words exactly. I’m one science class away from graduating with an associates. I’ve come this far, can’t give up!
I can redeem this! I plan to take two fast-track science classes to get biology out of the way. I retake intro to theater online because it’ll be a breeze and I know I’ll ace it. I’m all set to go and then…I dislocate my knee cap and have my car breakdown.
No sweat, right? I can do this.
No I can’t do it. I drop biology I.
Okay. Well. I’m doing okay in theater. I’ll take biology II first.
Biology II goes well. I focus on that. I get a new car. My knee heals up. I’m good to go.
I forgot about a test in theater. I waited too long on a project in biology. I get behind. Again.
I’ve stopped going to biology II all together. I forgot another test in theater. Not to mention I could never get ahold of the friggin Oak Ridge Playhouse to help out for my theater project.
Once again…I’m in the same damn situation I was in last semester.
I didn’t have my priorities straight and I failed. Everything is chaotic, messy and ruined.
Is it high school all over again? I have to stop and ask myself just how burnt out am I? Am I burnt out? or are there just too many other things going on in my life right now to make it difficult to concentrate? How fucked up in the head am I to let this happen? Aren’t I suppose to be better than this?
I started out so well. I went from writing senior level term papers to blowing off something as simple as a take home test.
I need to figure this out. I need to figure out what went wrong and fix it before I get put on academic probation or something. I need to fix this. I need to fix this. I need to fix this.
But fucking A, I don’t know how to fix this. And the more I think about it, the more it drives me crazy.
“WhenRent opened in 1996, AIDS was very much in the public eye.Time magazine’s “Person of the Year” was AIDS researcher David Ho, and new drug treatments were helping AIDS patients live longer. Those milestones underscored the musical’s message that someone could live with (and not just die from) the disease, and that message helped the musical become such a culturally relevant phenomenon.”
I was recently prompted to comment on this statement:
“DJs are musicians about as much as cheerleaders are atheletes.”
What follows is my response.
“I think this is an unfortunate way of thinking. Most musicians’ gripe with DJs is that they don’t create the sounds they mix with. Well, many do. Plus, last time I checked, none of these musicians invented the notes they play with either. In fact, it seems that we’re all just trying to take a set of already invented sounds and arrange them in a clever, effective manner. Lately, I’ve heard this done far better by good DJs than popular rock bands. It’s true. Artists like Skrillex and my friend DJ Slink make a very strong argument for the musicianship of DJs. I’ve been studying guitar for almost 25 years now, but I have to admit - What DJ SLink does every Saturday is more interesting than about the last 100 guitar players I’ve seen. I mean that in terms of syncopation, pitch, groove, composition, and execution. So, how are these not musical concepts? That’s like saying a singer isn’t a musician because there’s no instrument, or a drummer isn’t a musician because they don’t produce harmony……”
Also saying that cheerleaders aren’t athletes is wrong in itself as well. Cheerleaders have to be in good shape to be able to stand on each others’ shoulders and do the other things they do. But I digress!
5. weird things i do when i’m alone. Hurr hurr hurr some of that is private. XD But honestly? I still jump on my bed. I practice my sweet ass dance moves. And sometimes…when I’m REALLY sure no one is home…I try to sing opera.
6. how i’d spend ten thousand bucks. Pay off some of my car > Pay off some student loans > Gamble some > Invest some > Buy a hookah (or whatever THING I want) with what’s left over
11. would i rather be stranded on a desert island with someone i love for ten years or someone i hate for a month? explain why. Tough. Honestly? Someone I hate for just a month. Love is a strange thing. You can love someone but still not want to be around them ALL THE TIME. There are very very very few people I’d want to be around ALL THE TIME. Much less stranded on a island with them for ten years. Also, being stranded on an island for ten years would freaken suck. On the opposite end, if you’re with a person you hate for just a month, that’s just a month (still a long time though, at least to me). Not only is the time shorter, but it would also give you a chance to reconcile your differences with said person and work together to survive. There is a chance you’d kill each other, of course, but I guess I’d rather die fighting my arch enemy than pissed off that my one true love was too pussy to gut a fish so we both starved to death.
16. a drunken story. Most of my drunken stories end with me throwing up, with the exception of one, and that was the first time I consider ever getting drunk. I thought I had gotten drunk before…but in reality, I was just tipsy. This was a night just last year, I was celebrating my move to Murfreesboro with some friends from work. I didn’t realize just how drunk I was until I realized one of my friends had disappeared. When I asked where he had gone, his friend said he went to smoke. “He doesn’t smoke!!!” I said loudly. He explained to me that he smoked weed, and for some reason, I freaked out, even though I, too, had smoked before. In fact, I freaked out so much, I ended up stumbling to the parking lot to call my boyfriend to tell him the news. I also started bawling my eyes out because I also forgot that I had been drinking and I did not know what was going on. "Megan…" He explained to me. "…this is a drunk dial. You’re drunk calling me."
I stared off into space for a second. “I’M DRUNK? HOW?”
"You’re at a bar. People bought you shots. You got drunk."
"Oh." I stopped crying and immediately started laughing.
"Go have fun." He pleaded. "Stop freaking out."
Yeah. That wasn’t a very good story. The second time I got that drunk was with my bf in Murfreesboro. We did this thing called power hour and the music changed every minute. Unfortunately I’m a retarded and I mixed woodchuck and rum. So at the end of the night, I was bent over a toilet and it was gross. But taking shots to Um Jammer Lammy and Parappa the Rapper music was pretty much the best thing ever.
There are a lot of things I like about myself! =) But most importantly, I like that I’m not afraid to be myself. There was a time in my life where I was super shy and wouldn’t talk to anyone. Someone I wanted to be friends with? Couldn’t talk to them. Someone I liked? They’d never know. I didn’t even like who I was and I was ashamed of myself. I remember expressing my concerns about coming out of my shell to a psychologist. She told me that some people are just meant to be a certain way. I took what she said to heart and didn’t believe that could possibly be true. Now, 6 years later, I put myself out there and I’m not afraid to be myself or show my feelings. =)
At about 9:50 this morning I walked out of my last doctor’s appointment for my knee after being told I would be okay with home exercises and probably wouldn’t need to come back for another appointment nor physical therapy. Last night I put my foot down on something I did not necessarily want to put my foot down on, but knew I had to for my own sanity. The other day, I called my job at Papa Johns to see if I could still come back to work. Just two weeks ago, I finally got a car that I will be paying out my ass for for the next 7 years, but I finally have a constant mode of transportation and peace of mind. I was also able to return to Tokyo GoGo and be around a group of people that I feel an incredible sense of belonging to. I have an apartment to call my own that I am starting to gain a love of back…it is nowhere near as decorated as I would like it to be. My appetite has returned. I’m cooking again. I want to make costumes again. I want to write again. I want to play video games. I want to do well in school and study. I have even somewhat gained my faith in a higher power back. I have accepted that certain things cannot be at this time and that I cannot control what I can’t control. I’ve gained a new understanding of myself and I’ve grown stronger. I have seen the world from someone else’s eyes. But most importantly of all, I have realized that my own happiness comes first.
I cannot be a crutch for somebody…but I can try my damndest to be a friend. I can hope without getting my hopes up. I can play a leaf in the wind for once, content with myself, but floating along until something wonderful happens.
This year alone I have gone through roughly four breakups, dislocating a knee cap, losing a job, losing two cars, going to court, losing money and losing a countless number of good friends. But I truly believe in karma, and I believe because of my experiences, I will and have gained more than I’ve lost.
As a incredible boatload of hardships are finally starting to come to an end and give way to a new beginning, I realize that it would be foolish to believe that the worst is over. I think it’s finally over…for a while, but I know all too well that the headaches, heartaches, the heartbreaks, the stress, the worries, the injuries, the hardships and the mishaps will never end.
In your journeys through life, try to remember these things I have begun to learn lately:
* Always put yourself first. People will come and go, but you are the only constant in your life.
* Take your time, but don’t give up. Don’t rush anything…love especially. Life may be short, but there is a time and place for everything. Learn to recognize when that time is, but never stop believing.
* Never regret anything. Even if you feel like you missed out, you will still have learned and there will always be an opportunity for happiness.